you are His miracle.

i’ve never seen God move like that in my life knowing Him. not that long i know, but still.

i’ve only seen people move away from God and my heart breaks. it really does.

but now i see the whole process, i see how prayer changes things, i see how waiting on God and seeking God first really brings this unspeakable joy.

that is how awesome my God is.

the no. of rainbows He gave me this sem, full archs, double rainbows.

they remind me of His promises to His people. and i am His child. awesome.hee.

despite all the *runsaroundi’mgoingtodiedon’tforsakemeGodwhereareyouireallyneedyou* x 10000 crying moments,

You’ve always been there. always.

with everything

so let hope rise and darkness tremble

in Your holy light

that every eye will see Jesus our God

great and mighty to be prasied

God of all days

glorious in all of Your ways

The majesty the wonder and grace

in the light of Your name

with everything, with everything

we will shout for Your glory

with everything, with everything

we will shout for Your praise

Our hearts they cry, be glorified,

be lifted high above all names

For You our king, with everything

we will shout forth Your praise.

yesterday was a day of many firsts. the first time i genuinely felt God’s presence around me in a moment of private worship and prayer. i prayed about everything, i told God everything, my struggles, my fears, my thanksgivings, my worries, my distresses. and in that moment i reveled in His presence i finally finally saw what it truly meant to sing the words of one of my favourite hymns.

“turn Your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.”

sometimes all God wants is for us to not come with questions, to not want revelations, to not want breakthroughs, but to simply put everything away, to not think about it, not feel anything but His presence.

He pushed me to the point i had no energy to do anything at all, that included trying to take control, that included interceding for people, that included doing something i felt so convicted to do. and in my weakness, He is indeed made strong.

and when i rested in His love and presence, all i could feel was peace, my burdens were gone. i could feel God wrapped around me.

and at conference, God was there, I could feel it and i’m sure many others did too. irregardless of whether i was in a place among thousands, or hundreds, or alone, or leading worship, it was always between me and God. for the first time in my life, i felt that genuine freedom i never thought i would ever have. i finally knew what it was like to be uninhibited, to praise, to worship, to thank, to let God take control.

and this is just one day in the life of living in the love of God. imagine a lifetime. and an eternity.

throw me a lifeline.

today that pronounced feeling that i’m never good enough came back. hard. and fast.

no one likes feeling this way. but sometimes change is necessary for the better.

no amount of sugar is going to keep me afloat. that is not the solution.

i know what is. its just hard to surrender and trust.

 

a margin of compassion

today in church the message was about having a margin of compassion.

allowing a piece of our resources to be dedicated to those in need. for when we do, we sow the seeds to people who could very likely make a difference. and in that. we are making a significant difference.

today. my idea of God was challenged. i am used to being in an environment where i believed that God was a God of judgment, of mercy, of love of all those things. that the fear of God is important. and what i didn’t realize. is that the love of God is also important. i know all these things. but i didn’t believe it.

this could be really controversial for me to speak about, but this is my honest expression. it is easy to act in fear of God, do all the “right” things, toe the line, not knowing why. i’m not saying that reverence isn’t important, i think and know it is important to glorify and exalt and know that He is the boss.

but i’ve realized i limit His love. He is giving and giving and giving, i watch Him give. I know He gives. and He loves. but i never saw it that I could receive. that all the things and thoughts i’ve done and had will never “qualify” me for forgiveness and love from the maker of love Himself. and in that process, i limit my giving. that is why i find it easy to backslide, because i feel like what i’ve done should be hidden far away from Him and because of that fear i reject His love. now that doesn’t make sense does it.

and today i was challenged by what He commands us to do. the idea of the 10 commandments being a prescription, that we don’t obey His commands because its do or die. likened to a doctor’s prescription, it’s the dosage of what they know is best for you, whether you take it or not is your business. but if you don’t, and you’re seriously ill, you might die. it is not that not doing it will cause a punishment of death, but the choice will lead to death. it is voluntary. it is how we want to consume those pills to not die from sin. it is good for us. His commands are not suggestions, not ultimatums and threats, they are prescriptions on how to lead a better life.

-

this semester has been extremely trying. the modules are tricky and tedious. i don’t think the exams are going to be that insane, but the modules by themselves in terms of assignments and such are not easy to say the least. but well, i can look forward to easter break soon! and here’s a slew of pictures i’ve been meaning to upload that about sums up some happy times i’ve had since i’ve gotten back! and i finally got my first taste of vintage photobooths! way better than neoprints i say=)

isaiah 43:18

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:18-19

these verses spoke to me so so much.

since i’ve been back to melb i’ve been feeling very uneasy. especially when school started, i just felt a constant anxiety, this incessant nag that i’m never going to do well enough. that there’s always so much more i can do. that i need to be a certain way. eat a certain kind of food. have a certain routine. be a certain person i’d love to be.

but alas, i’m tired, and i pushed myself too much. its time to really let go, let go of all my past expectations, of hoping to be perfect and so much more. this opportunity to be here must be more than my studies.

so after crying it out a couple of times in different settings, talking to God, trying to rationalize and many many concerned people waving at me frantically trying to tell me to slow down, pointing to the amber light that’s slowly turning to red. and finally, i feel like i don’t have to be “perfect”, i can’t be. i need to let go of the past, of what i can’t do, what i like or dislike, what God has done, of where i was with Him, last sem, pre-melb. not to forget, but not to hold onto it. when we hold onto something real tight, there’s no way any force can pull us forward, we need to relinquish that control, so we can move forward.

and now that i feel like i just need to do my best, no pressure, i feel free. and happy.

this is what good old fellowship does. when everyone opens up, and we realize that no matter how far off we’ve fallen off the pack, no matter how far we’re in the race, how involved we are, how unsure we are, at every stage, our God is one that gets in the race with us, and cheers us on. not at the finish line waiting for us, but He is with us. and no matter what we do, it is the heart He is after. to see people admitting they are progressing in their walk, being stagnant, fallen away, so so truthfully, it really was humbling. we’re all human, we’re not success stories, we’re broken and fallen, and it is completely ok to be that way.

All the way my Savior leads me-

Cheers each winding path I tread,

Gives me grace for every trial,

Feeds me with the living bread.

Though my weary steps may falter

And my soul a-thirst may be,

Gushing from the Rock before me,

Lo! a spring of joy I see.

hymns still have their place=)

chasing dandelions

summer is coming to a close in melb. since i’ve been back i’ve been seeing dandelions flying around everywhere and its a really pretty sight.

and finally a few nights ago i got my first bout of good sleep in a while, and since then i’ve been feeling alot more clear headed and less negative. i reckon that is exactly what i need right now. so that i’ll be able to focus on school so much better. and be calmer and less bitchy about everything.

that being said, i need to get my hands on a piano asap, although my techniques are somewhat non existent, but thats something i would definitely have to work on. somehow.

the new term’s been pretty D: the modules this sem’s alot more challenging. alot of personal studying and work and all that jazz. but thats what a student should be like i guess, time to start my camping sessions in the library.

and i finally felt compelled to visit another church and i feel like its the right place for me. i dunno how i know. and i might be wrong. but no harm trying and seeing how things go. i just need to find a way to get there alot more efficiently and effectively somehow. i dunno how its going to work but ah wells. it shall work! from the meeting this week, ” learn not to rely on your own strength to follow God, but to rely on His power to lead.” its hard many a time to let Him lead i have to admit, and to believe that His power to lead is there. it exists and its amazing. rather than rely on my lack of will and nonsense ability and discipline to follow. sometimes we all fall into this mundane routine, we get caught up in all that we have and do not have, we stop making the effort to go the distance, and its sad, because i miss the times when i made the effort to go beyond.

enough of all the nonsense thoughts, here’s the facts for today. you know there are those days you wake up and you know everything will go like nonsense. today’s one of those days. on the bright side, its coming to a close. Thank God.

and the theme for this year is..

security.

every year i set out to pursue something, like a main theme. one year it was patience (boy what a year it was), last year was happiness, and i learnt that the build up to extreme happiness can be very painful and that it comes in ways i don’t necessarily expect.

call me boring, old fashioned, or just plain old. what i need right now in my life. is some semblance of security and stability.

i don’t want a volatile year, with huge ups and downs. no games, no guesses, no what ifs, could haves, buts.

simple. stable. straightforward.

because right now i am so tired and drained from everything. and i just want to huddle in my bed or run. far far away. not that i’m not already far away. but ya. i can feel myself mentally being robbed and drained too. and its hard for me to talk about it. so there. here it is.

simple as it should be.

Protected: for that moment.

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cny 2011

so its one of my favourite animals in the zodiac, simply because its cute and fluffy.

but this year’s cny felt abit different, maybe because the questions directed at me were different too. and i have cousins who are in the same boat as me, being overseas and all and conversations became slightly more interesting. there was monopoly deal to top it all off, and the notion that i’m heading back to melbourne in 2 weeks ish time.

i’m half excited to be going back to melbourne, excited for the modules i’m undertaking, and new plans i have made and intend to carry through to make the most of my experience there. some things that i didn’t want to do in my first sem for the fear of jeopardizing my results. not to say i’m going to allow myself to play with my results, but simply saying that i have to learn to stretch my potential abit more. and to be abit alot more conscious with my tutorials and to really learn something substantially. i’m not getting younger anymore, and 1.5 years is going to pass by me in a flash. i can’t play with that and i just need to learn how to balance everything properly. and keep sane while at it.

i’m half unexcited because i’m worried that i can’t cope. but i know that at the end of the day, no matter what happens, i have good ol’ God on my side.

“nothing you can do can make Him love you more, nothing you can do can make Him close the door.” indeed.

randomly, i miss a good old dunmanian cny celebration. where there’s so much warmth in the air, and good old friends who are there.

and cue the abrupt end to this post.

new ways

circumstance brings you new ways of de-stressing.

apart from exercising, piano playing, sleeping in denial, shopping, reading.

i have found a new way to de-stress.

a little late on the bandwagon. but i have found it gratifying to sing out loud in my room, along with accompaniment found on the internet. its like k-ing in your room without the dim lights and mike etc.

in hopes i don’t traumatize anyone.

now i need to find a way to do this in melb without getting complains.

 

in other news, i’m done with my internship. and am immensely happy that it is finally done.

i’m glad i went through it although it was really sickening to say the least but i really learnt alot and am still very thankful for the opportunity to learn. and make all the mistakes i did and more. it was an interesting experience to say the least. i’m really glad i got to meet a group of really nice people and made me feel like there’s still some warmth in a traumatic place like that.haha. but other than that it was cool. just tiring.

had a couple of interesting convos over the past weekend and it made me think alot abt my future, or the lack thereof. have to consider and pray about what i wanna do, and this sem, its time to get down with my law mods. discipline, tons of it. i need to breathe it live it and believe it.

the weather in sg is epic bad. so is my skin now.

sigh.